Dear Assholes,
I have a girlfriend who I have been dating for 6 months. We became fairly serious, fairly quick. The past month she has changed her attitude and well.....acts like a complete bitch around my friends. She wants me to be around her friends but is stand-offish around mine. Furthermore we used to have a lot of sex and in the past 30 days we have had NONE! Advice?
Thanks for the question. First off, relationship advice is right up our alley. Except Thundercock, don't listen to a fuckin' thing he says.
6 months? That's not that long. If she acts this way now imagine how she will be in 2 years, 5 years, etc.... Here's the best advice I can give you:
Set up a date night, somewhere nice. Have a good meal, some drinks and entertaining conversation. Say nothing about the relationship. Simply talk to her about her day, her job, her friends (you get the picture, shit you really don't care about). As you are paying the bill, tell her what a wonderful night you had. As you get up from the table and walk to the parking lot, ask her where is she going. Her response should be "with you." Your response should be "GFY!" Make that bitch call a friend and leave her ass there.
Ya'll had sex for 5 months? Now none? She's having sex with someone, it's just not you! What would Jesco White do in this situation? I know....
That's my advice, I will defer to the other assholes for more. Gentleman, have at it........
Let me lay this out as delicately as I can. You have no one to blame but yourself for this. Fairly serious after 6 months? Broham you fucked up. Sounds to me like you let this heifer call too many shots and get too damn comfortable right off the bat. At 6 months she should have never seen the sun rise at your stabbin' cabin much less have a tooth brush and other female hygiene type paraphernalia there. You let this gal get too comfortable and now she's lost respect for you. Pimp hand son.
ReplyDeleteNow before we try to "save" this you need to ask yourself if this VSS (vaginal support system) is worth the effort it is going to take to bring her bat shit crazy ass around. If no then you really only have one option. Go bang her best friend. Problem solved. Problem staying solved.
If yes then you got to get your pimp hand back. And you are going to have to break this chick down to raw materials. Toss everything she has at your love mansion straight into the garbage. Send her a text and tell her where she can pick it up. Don't call her. Too personal. Next tell her, don't ask, where to meet you for dinner. It ain't a date. You have got to eat so she may as well be there. If she ask about after just tell her you're playing it by ear and want to leave your options open. You have to make her work for access to the love hammer. True she can give away more ass in a day than you can get in a year but if that is her game then that slut ain't worth your time. She'll either polite the fuck up real quick or storm the hell off. Either way you'll have your answer on how to handle this head full of snakes.
I hope this helps.
Now FOALMA
Almost forgot. We need to know if this chick is hot and if so where to find her once she is done with your smothering ass.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHot or not, dis hood rat gotsta go. Your next to last sentence makes me want to murder you with blunt force trauma to the face and dick. Why are you not nailing other chicks, shipmate? There are plenty of fat chicks/chicks with low self-esteem out there that can fix that whole "not getting laid" issue for you quick fast and in a hurry. Relationships are stupid. However comma, if you are stupid enough to engage in monogamous bullshit, realize this: Chicks. Will. Never. Change. If she is a bitch around your friends now, she will always be a bitch around your friends. At which point you have 3 options: 1. Stop hanging out with your friends and basically become dead to me and them. 2. Tell her to GFY and hang out with your brosefs while she nails some dude that serves her wine, listens to her bullshit, pretends to like her friends, and drizzles candle wax (and metrosexual cum) on her ass. 3. Engage in one last epic session of demented primate sex with the trick, kick her to the curb as soon as you blast a money shot on her stupid face, call me and we'll go to Platinum...I've got some business contract shit to finish up there and then I'll show you how to appreciate the athleticism of strippers.
ReplyDeleteTime for fatty to weigh in... As my counterparts have pretty eloquently laid the ground work for what in my mind is the obvious solution, I'd like to add some insights not yet discussed to your self-imposed $hitty situation. Understand that I'm pretty sure the 4 of us are genius, or at least our combined IQ qualifies the group as genius. That said, the cluster-F you have yourself in has a fairly logical explanation. ECONOMICS. That's right, the dismal science. Here's my assessment of why you've been relegated to punching the clown while watching Megan Fox runaway from the Decepticons in Transformers 2. Don't deny it either Optimus Primetime F**ktard. The laws of compliments/substitutes are at work in full force here. 3 possible reasons why you aren't getting any from your "girlfriend/dictator" and someone else is ramrodding her silly as backed by Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations. 1) Inferior good. 2) Cost of good as compared to cost of substitute. 3) Attainabilty of good.... Seing as options 2 and 3 are off the table because we all know that A) she isn't spending any money on you and B) if she wanted it, you'd light up faster than a bluetooth earpiece at the BET awards. That only leaves option number 1. Your inferior goods boss. Did it ever occur to you that your dick game may be 2nd string? You might have the Ryan Leaf of penises. And frankly, nothing the 4 assholes can tell you is going to help that out. And as for her being a queen bitch around your friends, I'm not buying it. You don't have friends. You gave that up when you traded in your mancard for 2 tickets to that Justin Bieber concert hoping that would get you laid. What's worse is that you didn't get laid AND you sat through the whole concert and posted pictures on Facebook. You're a lost cause dude. Accept it and if you're looking for some strange action you might want to go lefty. The real question you should ask us is how to get your balls back. We aren't miracle workers and frankly I don't want you tainting our name and advice column by attempting some queerfagosexual stunt and telling everyone it was our idea. Getting you laid and getting your spermicidal girlfriend to act right is not even in the picture at this point. You need a testicular overhaul. Hell, none of us got lady issues. I've done nasty 4 times since I started writing this. Get rid of all the cardigans in your closet and trade in your Smart Car for something that runs on testosterone. Then get back to us. Until then you're wasting my time. Make it 5 times now. In the meantime, send us a picture of your woman so we all know who the easy target is next time we're out drinkin' bourbon. We've got a guy who sent us a question about gangbang techniques and we need to do some market research. Thanks for the question.
ReplyDeleteFor the 4 Assholes,
ReplyDeleteWhat are your thoughts on "Fuck Buddies"? Why isn't the "Fuck Buddy" ever good enough to be dated? If you have a girl on the back burner to do anything and everything you want at anytime of the day, why not date them? Isn't that what every man wants? A good girl that would cook, clean, and still be a freak in the bed? Or does a guys reputation mean more than the perfect women? (Yet the guy brags to his boys on how good of a fuck she is)
For the poor bastard that is not getting laid, your girl is more than likely cheating on you with another dude. She thinks she's hot shit and can get anyone she wants. Take "Thundercock's"advice (the only good one he had), and find yourself a new girl with low self esteem or fat. Those are the girls that are willing to please you in every way imaginable. You can always fix her self esteem issues by telling her how perfect she is and her for her fatness, Fuck her enough til she loses the weight.
The Overlooked Perfect Girl
Hate to throw this shit at you the day after Valentine's Day, but no one dates a Fuck buddy because its way too easy. Men want to feel like they earned something. And most dudes will endure all kinds of retarded shit (like listening to us talk about our hair/family/friends/job, taking us to see horrible movies etc) just to get some vagine. Your problem (and let's be honest you aren't asking this because you want to find out for a "friend")is you're handing that shit out on the regular without even a hint of commitment, they know they don't have to take you out on a date to get you to bang out, so why the fuck would they start? That doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Also a "fuck buddy" is not synonymous with a "good girl." Fuck buddy is more likely synonymous with "fat chick" or "chick with low self esteem", or "chick with daddy issues" because the fuck buddy is willing to survive on scraps instead of getting to be what she actually wants to be, a girlfriend. I don't know what you've got going on in the looks or personality department, but seriously quit fucking whoever you're fucking and stop acting like a doormat. Listening to your shit is making me depressed. DrStudKickAss you are my favorite. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous "B", I appreciate the kind words. As a healer of all things (hearts, bodies and minds), my number one mission is to help where I can. A spoon full of sugar may help the medicine go down but pain is a much better teacher.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous "A". I don't know what to tell you sister. Men like to hunt. Even the fauxe hawked, gelled up, skinny jeaned metrosexual pussies. And anything worth having is going to be hard to come by. The old saying "If it were easy everyone would do it" applies here. Anonymous "B" gave you some sage advice. If the juice ain't worth the squeeze then you need to stop letting him squeeze your lemons and make him work for it. Period. Dot. End of story. There ain't nothing wrong with two sexually active, non commital, consenting adults engaging in a little no strings coitus. Nothing at all. Matter of fact I find it is an important part of our physiological make up. Sometimes a body just needs the head clearing release that comes from some animal like, dirt road, no strings, socks on sex. Women ain't no different. I've known several that wanted nothing more than a go to guy for some booty call action. As long as both parties know it is what it is then there is certainly no harm.
I feel in your case you have used your love muffin as a way to entice some feller to fall in love with you without making your true intentions known. You say "fuck buddy" but what you really want is a boyfriend. I suggest you see it for what it is and either cut this dude off, come clean with your true wishes or let the situation ride. At this point you've already given the boy the milk. If he wanted to buy the cow he would have bought it already.
Oh, and being a big gal ain't got shit to do with it. I've seen some whoppers, men and women, land some pretty decent lookin' folks. Love is blind and don't have a scale. Big girls need love too.